Archive for "May 2011"

Why I Hate FourSquare

Seriously? Do I give a shit where anyone is at any given time? And seriously? Is it any of your business where I am at any given time? Just think back to a time when you could be anonymous – you know, just breeze into a bakery and decide that since it is a four-day weekend and you are on an insulin pump that you can totally eat a whole pie for lunch?
Now we live in a time where lunatic losers, “check-in” when they arrive someplace to see what the other idiots think of the place they are about to spend time in…WHY? Because you might learn that there is a two-for-one special on a beer? Or you could come to learn that some brainiac that you went to high school with was just at this place last week? Please people, just stay home and become the mayor of your own creepy room.
The only scenario where this could be acceptable is if you get kidnapped, but somehow can access your PDA during the ordeal to “check-in” from the dirty van that is speeding to an abandoned cabin in the woods (where else would they take you?). Then, fine, but don’t expect me to come rescue you. I have a whole pie to finish.

MIB Thrice – Takin’ Over Carroll Gardens

What an exciting weekend in Carroll Gardens when they have transformed our little hood into a 1960’s picture-perfect dream. The lights, the cameras, the car chases – oh my! What is more exciting for me is pretending that I work on the shitty movie by stealing Rick Van Meter’s walkie and standing on the corner directing street traffic. One woman asked me why I am being so mean – oh, lady – “just doin my job!” I am working on getting Will Smith’s phone number so I can call him to set…

Businesswoman In a Rancid Room

What would you do if you had an important meeting, but your room smelled like a surgical center? You would call the 800 number and let them have it, of course!

Stand Up at the Comedy Cellar

Just a Quick Wedding at the Holiday Inn

What does a bride do when she has 30 minutes to get married and is staying at a premier low-cost hotel? Call the 800 number and give them enough notice to get the Beef Wellington cooked and the chairs covered!